Why are there things that are painfully obvious to me that no one else sees?
I want to talk about them.
I don't want to tell the world his secrets, but I want fresh perspectives.
Need someone to point out the flaws in my reasoning.
What if I'm wrong?
I don't want to ask, because I don't want to know.
But I want to know.
I'm still trying to make my heart stop hurting.
It was getting better.
Talking to him is going to tear it open again.
Whether he explains or whether he smacks me down, it's going to hurt.
I'm not who I was. And yet I am who I am.
If I don't talk to him I'm never going to get over it.
I'm not sure I'll get over it anyway.
But it's worth a try, right?
Better than some smart-assed comment leaping from my fingers to the screen and making me sorry.
Even sorrier than I'll be for talking about it directly.
If he'll talk to me at all.
---------------------------------
I keep telling myself--
Nothing has changed except what's in my mind.
I keep telling myself --
There will be other loves.
I keep telling myself --
They won't be him.
Since it's finally 'hit the presses,' so to speak, I'd like to present to you The Very Well-Linked Story, courtesy of Rob at cockeyed.com and myself as about one of 500-some others who contributed links to the story. I thought the idea was terribly interesting and signed up to contribute right away. So go forth and click, ye of my tiny, possibly non-existent reader base!
If, by chance, you are arriving from said very well-linked story, I congratulate you for your discriminating choice of words and welcome you to my little world. I'm just now getting back in the hang of writing after having my soul sucked out by working retail at Christmas time for the second year in the row, but things are moving along.
This morning I woke up from my dreams with the fragmented beginnings of what might actually be a story that I can write floating around in my head. I hit the sleep button a couple of times while I was trying to distill what was floating around into something that I could get up and hold in my mind until I could get it back out on paper (or, shall I say, into Notepad). Dreams have that crazy quality of not usually being quite tangible enough to keep from the moment I rise off the pillows, but I think I managed most of it this time. With luck, I'll be embarking on that project in the near future.
As for more personal details, there isn't a whole lot to say. I'm a former (and, with luck, future) student who happens to be toiling in a retail establishment that purveys the printed word. As I like to say--a bookwench. One of the few perks of my job (along with the marvelous forced talent of being on my feet for eight hours at a time several days a week) is that I can check out pretty much any book at work for free, read it, return it, and take another one, just as often as I can finish one and find another. Lately, this means that my average books-per-week is around four or five, though I've been dreadfully lax about tracking them on here since I got things started again last month. For example:
I have to say that Odd Thomas, the first novel, was my personal favorite, and I think the best of the three. Aside from the fact that it took me probably two or three times as long to read it as the other two combined (and despite the fact that it's not all that considerably thicker), the plot was much more rich, more complex, and more interesting. The premise of a character already in a long-standing stable relationship without romantic angst was refreshing, and I loved being introduced to the cast of characters, both main and supporting. Neither of those situations were so pervasive throughout the second novels, but unless things really take a turn for the worse if there are more stories, I'll definitely read again.
By now (if anyone's still reading), I'm sure it's evident why I selected 'words' as my representation on the well-linked story. I'm full of them, to be sure, but I also surround myself with them at most every opportunity. So cheers to both old and new readers, and stay tuned for more of the same and a little bit more.
This morning, I don't go to work until 10. But, of course, I still woke up at the same old time. The good news is that led me to remembering that the rent was due pretty much last night by midnight. So I scrambled out of bed, dragged on some clothes, wrote the check, and ran down to the office to drop it off. It's mildly warm outside (at least, for someone coming out of the chill of winter), and I heard one or two birds chirping even before I went out. As I was walking back home, though, I realized...there are a lot of birds chirping. Including three big fat robins who just happen to be hanging out in my yard/tree, not to mention the bluejay and mourning dove that I saw. And all the other ones I could hear but not see.
I think it's safe to say that the weather's finally getting better for real. With winter, it jagged between cold and warm enough on so many days that it wasn't until January that we really got some bad weather, and I was afraid we were going to do the same in the transition to spring. And of course, it is kind of silly to automatically assume that robins = no more snow (I probably shouldn't add that the groundhog didn't see his shadow this year, either!), but I'm always an optimist when it comes to these things, and start looking forward to the day I can wear my light jacket instead of my winter one, and eventually, no jacket at all. And nothing, to me, makes that promise of better weather than a bunch of robins hopping around outside and making all kinds of noise as I'm getting ready in the morning.
Also, it's March First. So as far as all that lion/lamb business, I'm not sure what to say. It's quite lamb-like here at the moment, sure, but by the end of the day we're supposed to be having thunderstorms. Does that mean that our "lion" quotient is thus satisfied and by the end of the month, we'll be peacefully enjoying our newer, shinier, warmer weather? One can only hope.
Today I work a previously-unscheduled short shift because one of my co-workers called off yesterday and I made some offhand comment about how I would have come in if I wasn't already working. Somehow this led to me coming in today, which, money-wise is great. Hours have sucked lately and I'm always desperate to get more this time of year. And it is the first, which means I'll get my 30% discount today instead of the regular 20, and I did have a couple of things I wanted to get. It means that, since I'm working tomorrow, the dishes and housecleaning stuff won't get done until Saturday, but I suppose I can deal with that.
The sun's coming in the living room window, which is making it somewhat difficult to see, but I wanted to open the blinds so that the cat could enjoy the birds that I know she could hear out there. So maybe I'll get off of here and watch some TV or make some breakfast or something. I really am such a morning person, and this kind of morning is one of the best.
Well, I'm awake, at least.
Coming home from work tonight, I immediately curled up on the couch with Evan and proceeded to fall asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later and fell asleep again about ten minutes thereafter. And then woke up at around 10:30. I tried to go to bed but ended up watching TV with Evan in there and decided I was wide awake. After puttering around the internet and finding nothing too absorbing, I settled onto the couch with my book. Evan went to bed, and after I finished it (12:30?) I decided to try sleeping myself. Couch + TV + fuzzy Kimiko blanket usually = instant-sleep mode. Not tonight, however, so I decided to try to sleep in the bedroom and listen to The Dark Tower II: Drawing of the Three (picked it up for seven bucks on sale at work on super-discount day) on my iPod. Of course, I got caught up in the story and was still awake by the time that I got to the end of the last track that I had imported. Still wide awake.
So I got up and came out here and started importing the next CD, which should be finishing shortly. I hope that by the time I would reach the end of listening to it, I will be well asleep. For now I have nothing else to do so I figured a short entry might be in order, at least maybe to get myself to stop mentally rambling long enough to get to sleep.
We're having some nasty weather tonight, but we shouldn't have to go out tomorrow for any reason, so it should be all right out there again by the time Evan heads to work on Monday. I'm off until Tuesday, which is yay, though not really; I'm only getting three days this coming week. With luck the budget will go up for the week after that, but I can't say that I'm not in the process of looking for something else. I can't really afford to stay there if it's going to continue like this until the second quarter--Evan's loans are coming in and I think mine are too. And we were already kind of just skittering by. Add the fact that he's really desperate to get out of where he's working right now (not that I blame him--it kind of sucks, and by kind of I mean a lot), and you get a bit of a sticky situation. With any luck we'll improve on all that as soon as possible.
I'm kind of hungry but I really don't want to grab anything to eat this late at night. Though the last of the leftovers I brought home from dinner with one of my co-workers is still incredibly tasty-smelling. Yay cheesefries from Outback--I think I probably brought half my plate's worth home with me, though Evan took care of most of it.
With any luck I'll manage to get an actual interesting entry up here soon; I signed up for an interesting little project on a website I frequent and I'm hoping to at least put on a good show, so to speak. It's not likely, I suppose, that too many folks would be interested in my ramblings, but a girl can dream, right?
So more bookwenchery from me in the next couple days, given that I've already devoured a whole new book since this morning. But not now; the Gunslinger calls.
It's nonfiction, and the author chronicles her journey through three nations as she recovers from divorce and an unsatisfying life.
The book really struck a lot of familiar chords with me, not because I'm unsatisfied with where I am, exactly, but just because I could understand where she was coming from. I admire the fact that as she chronicles her spiritual development, there's an acknowledgment that there is more than one path to God, and that "Thou art God" (Stranger in a Strange Land) isn't all so far from the truth, in the end. I remember identifying with that statement when I read it in Heinlein, and this only reinforced my feelings, that the divine is everywhere and you don't necessarily have to be on the Bible-thumping, revival-tent-inhabiting path to be doing it "right." Try to tell my family that. Ha.
Anyway. I've always been kind of afraid of stepping out there, as Liz does, and I really admired that, as well. She simply goes out into the world and does exactly what she wants to do. Perhaps that's a bit self-indulgent; in fact it quite likely is. But I think it's a chance that most of us would take if we had the opportunity. If someone said: pick three countries and spend a year visiting each of them equally, and here's the financial backing to do it--wouldn't you?
Of course, upon proposing that to myself, I have to wonder where I would go. I have a history at being incredibly terrible at languages, but then again they say that immersion is the best way to fix that problem. Liz picked Italy because she wanted to learn the language. For similar reasons, I would choose Japan. Perhaps I could even turn those three years of college Japanese into something resembling fluency! Also, silly as it might seem, I'd like to see what the effect of Japanese food would be on my body. I could certainly stand to lose a few and would probably feel quite awkward among all the smaller folk. Combine that with my picky tastes and I might actually be getting somewhere in that department.
My second "country" would be somewhere in Europe, because I know a couple of folks in the region who I would dearly love to visit. Ideally, I would divide my time between several countries, including Italy, France, Spain, Belgium, and Germany, so...yeah. Those four months would be hectic, but awesome. And more than likely I'd probably put back on all the potential weight lost in Japan, given the insane amounts of stuff I would want to try. Oh, well.
Finally, I think I'd mosey on up to the UK and spend a blissful four months in Scotland and Wales, with the occasional side trip to England (theater!) and Ireland (why not?). There I would visit all the lovely historical sites and absorb the accents. I could probably just sit around and listen to people talk for the whole time and go home completely happy.
So, yeah. Not exactly the great spiritual journey that Liz took, but I think I'd go home feeling satisfied, at least, that I got to go and live in the world, if only for a year.
Where would you go?
I'd planned on giving this thing some attention on the 16th, as that would have been three months (Oi.) since I actually wrote in here. Unfortunately the 16th came and went in a flurry of Wii playing, snow, and God knows what else. Work, probably. I put in some overtime (well, over my scheduled time--I came in at just under 40 hours for the week) at the end of the week because they needed some stuff done, and for whatever reason when I hit 40 hours a week the odds of me writing in here decrease dramatically, rather like they did in November. Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm sleeping until the last possible minute, hurrying off to work, then coming back and crashing as soon as I can so I can get the most rest possible to get ready for another full day of work. And weekends were really all about laundry, dishes, and just trying to deflect the craziness of the week past and the coming week as well.
So anyway. Yeah. I guess there really isn't any particular need to apologize, but of course I still feel apologetic.
Life has been more or less ordinary for me, but for whatever reason I missed all the snow-flying months, so perhaps that's a little to blame as well. There's still the occasional chance of flurries on the radar, but after the drenching rain we've been getting since last night just after I clocked out at work, I think we're moving more-or-less smoothly into springtime, which is definitely foryay. Sunshine and warmth will be most lovely to see again, I think.
It occurs to me that I probably can't even possibly log everything that I've read over the past three months, but of course I'll give it a try. Some things stood out, like P.D. James' Children of Men, and Christopher Moore's You Suck (for which I had to read Bloodsucking Fiends to keep up), as well as getting through Terry Pratchett's Tiffany Aching books. One that I've been trying to get myself into lately is a book called The Dark Mirror, but I've had it out of work for a week and managed to only hack out about a hundred pages or so. I want to read it, but it just hasn't grabbed me yet.
Stephen King's Dark Tower books are getting a comic series to match, but it turns out that my bookstore won't be carrying them. Le sigh. I was actually kind of looking forward to a comic book that I was really interested in.
I interviewed for an administrative assistant position a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it didn't go so well, despite my interview which seemed rather promising. I suppose we can't always get what we want, but boy would I like to get out of the bookstore. It's not so much any one thing in particular that I'm tired of so much as I'm just tired. This time of year the schedule's awfully lean, and we really could use a bit more money (who couldn't?) but I'm really hesitant to go to, say, Evan's job, which he really doesn't like but makes decent money--enough money, in fact, that he ends up kind of stuck unless he wants to downgrade his income--something we can't afford right now. Meh.
The real impetus for this post was realizing that my totally anti-social best friend, J, is now maintaining a journal. It's a writing journal, and she doesn't have much of the kind of personal posting that I'm much more apt to be making, but there's no reason that I can't do this if she can. So I'm hoping to get this thing moving again, because I think it really is a part of my life that I want to continue. Just not when I work a lot. Or when it snows. Ahem.
Anyway. It's good to be back (I hope), and here's to keeping on keeping on.
This week, weather-wise, has been one of the absolute worst in recent memory. Foggy and misty the first two days of the week, and soggy and rainy the next two as well. I don't get depressed (much) by grey, snowy days, but rain just absolutely kills me. Especially when it's been coming down in one form or another, on-and-off, for the last 80-ish hours. Yuck.
I had no desire to wake up this morning--but faced with the pouring rain (again), and the prospect of another day stuck at the front of the store, hoping that someone will remember to give me a break soon, without a chance of actually getting to do something different for a change, who would be? Yesterday was pretty much nonstop, given the amount of product I had to unpack, unwrap, and merchandise. After work I caught the bus to J's apartment. The driver was a talker, meaning that while I would much rather sink into the seat and ride around in the dark listening to my music, instead I had to turn the volume down and maintain an unpredictable but more or less constant stream of small talk until someone else got on the bus for the driver to talk to. I suppose, though, that too friendly is better than some of the surlier types I've dealt with as drivers who seem like they really aren't suited to the job at all.
Last night we were all expected at a gathering of a club we used to be in when we lived on campus, because one of our friends and founders of the group is leaving town to move closer to his girlfriend. The company wasn't what I normally keep (though to be fair, I don't keep much at all) and J and I ended up spending a couple hours in the corner, playing rummy because she didn't really fit in either. Ah, well. I really wasn't all that disappointed that I wasn't forced to socialize with people I don't relate to. I can do it if I have to, if it's important, but it really wasn't.
Surprisingly, I have been reading a bit more lately. What's strange is that I've been doing it in a way that's most unlike me--I have three or four things that I've read partially, and few that I've finished. It kind of sucks, but I guess with the smaller amount of time I've been spending at work in the evening, it's to be expected. Thanks to a couple girls at work who live nearby here and almost always work dayshift between the two of them, I've been having rides home. This is awesome, as I actually get stuff done sometimes now before Evan gets home. But anyway, as far as the books go, I'll go ahead and add them onto my list here, because I'm not sure when I'll finish them and get a chance to really talk about them.
That's probably enough of an entry for now, though I'll try to put down some more later. Lots to talk about, really. It's the follow-through that gets problematic.
Today I think I must feel like those poor souls who lurk outside our store's doors each morning, waiting for the 9AM moment when the lights flip on and the gates are flung open, and then proceed to shuffle blearily past the tables piled high with books, the seemingly-infinite displays of cards, candy, and oh so much more Christmas Crap in order to arrive at the altar of hope for those who have yet to wake up: the coffee shop.
Hit the sleep alarm twice today, leaving about twelve minutes before Evan's normally 30-minute delayed alarm went off. The cat, having been fed late yesterday because it was Sunday and we actually slept in a bit, gave no insistent yowls for her normal 7:30am feeding, and lounged casually near the window even as I tottered into the kitchen and poured forth the manna she so eagerly anticipates every other morning, to the point of deafening, can't-ignore-them squalls from the foot of the bed, or sometimes, when she feels most deprived, my shoulder, shoving her wet kitty nose against an ear or an eye or my nose as additional enticement to drag myself out of bed.
Monday hangs over the cars outside with palpable gloom: a misty, greyish fog that clings to windows and hints threateningly at the possibility that the sun Will Not Be Seen Today, has Other Engagements that are Infinitely More Important than bringing a last few rays of warmth, the reminder of times not long gone, and a promise of spring's return to the town of Morgantown, traditionally enveloped in a funereal cloud for most of the months of November through March. Now, we are only promised that smudgy, gloomy mist, which hearkens of snow and ice, wind and rain, and you better bring your coat and hat because you never know what's going to be coming out of the sky the next time you turn around.
Winter is coming. Knocking on the door. Sun ain't gonna fight it off for much longer, folks. Get ready.
I never know whether to be pleased when I wake up on my own around my normal time, or dismayed that I'm already up so early when I could actually be sleeping in. Ah, well.
Already I'm trying to think about what I want to do for the day, what I have to do today, and what I should do today. Want involves a lot of RO and gaming and whatnot. Have to leads to the gigantic pile of laundry in the bedroom, and should leaves me glancing over my shoulder at the stacks of dishes here on my desk and from here to the kitchen. I don't particularly want to do most of it, of course, but since this weekend will be the only opportunity to get it done until next weekend, I really should.
Watching the IRC, a bunch of folks just got up and left for work. Thankfully, that's not me this week. I think I'd probably go crazy having to work another Saturday. They're so hectic, especially this time of year, and I just really don't enjoy being that ridiculously busy and putting up with the screaming kids (wonderfully absent during the week for the most part, given that the majority of my schedule is during school hours) who do a fantastic job of putting out of order everything we work so hard to keep neat and organized. If there's one thing my kids will never be, it's holy terrors when we go shopping. If they try it, they'll get the same treatment I did as a kid: stay home. I tried that tempter-tantrum-buy-me-things stuff once. Following that event (in which I, shockingly, didn't get what I was crying about--hard to believe, I know) I didn't go back to the store with my mom for a year, and after that, when I was allowed to go out with her again, you can damn well bet that I didn't throw any more fits.
Of course, I think this also kind of led to the thing I have about asking for things, and accepting things that people give me for no reason. Evan's kind of gotten me past that one, which is good. I used to feel extremely guilty if anyone gave me a gift for no reason, or gave me something that required what I saw as a sacrifice on their part. Between Evan and I we can find some sort of balance for our kids. My best friend J is kind of the opposite in that she had to learn not to say what she wanted, because her parents would get it for her then and there. Surprisingly, that worked out all right. She figured out, in time, that if she said she liked something, it was likely that it would turn up later, randomly or for a birthday or Christmas or whatever. That requires some pretty attentive parenting, I guess, but they had it in them and it worked well. It doesn't hurt that J was probably one of the most well-behaved kids ever.
I can't really remember getting gifts outside of my birthday, Christmas, and other holidays, as a child. The fact that my birthday is June 24, just about as far away from Christmas as you can get in the calendar year, this meant an infusion of goodies every six months or so, with a few little things on Valentine's Day, Easter, etc. Probably one of the reasons I wasn't one those get-everything-I-want children was because we weren't really terribly rich (which is an understatement--single parent family of the 90s, anyone?), and I guess to that extent Mom taught me not to ask for things somewhere along the line. Of course, I also remember her deliberately avoiding the toy section (something Evan and I probably walk through every time we go to the store, even though we don't buy anything there) and pet stores, most notably. So I guess it was discouraged to even set my sights on something when she couldn't get it for me.
On the other hand, usually the big two holidays were really big, and I got a lot of awesome stuff, some asked for and some not. She really was pretty good at figuring out what to get for me, though my yearly obsession with the JC Penney Christmas Book probably didn't hurt.
Wow. I just suck. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Sorry, guys.
Christmas in retail is crap. I feel like I haven't gotten to spend any time with my friends lately, not the online ones, anyway. Thankfully (ha) after next week, I'll have one more night where I won't be doing anything specific, so maybe I'll have a little more time for all this again. Maybe not, but a girl can dream.
Next week a friend of mine (And J's, and Evan's) is having a little to-do to celebrate his leaving town. He's getting the hell out of Morgantown and moving to live closer to his girl, in Missouri. I really hope things work out for them, but in light of the recent news that another friend and his fiancee have called it quits, I'm going to admit to a little worry on this one. The fact that he's been able to change enough to maintain a relationship this long is impressive, so hopefully they'll continue along that path. Alternatively, if they don't, at least let him learn what he needs to learn from the relationship and then not dwell on it for the rest of eternity. He's taking a big risk and I'm happy about that. I'd hate to see it turn out to be pretty useless.
In completely different news, it appears that just as our cell-phone contract is running out and as we're about to receive our deposit refund, both of our phones are suffering from issues. Evan's phone seems to have had complete loss of microphone function. Mine is developing a crack in the hinge, and the front faceplate (when the phone is closed) is a little bit loose. Not loose enough that I can tell what's wrong and try to snap it back, but just loose enough that dust is getting down on the little LCD screen. Ugh. In light of the fact that I really desire very little for Christmas, however, I'll probably settle on calling that a Christmas present.
I'm just not big on the gifts for myself these days, I guess. If someone sees something neat, thinks of me, and feels like I should have it, I'm not going to complain, but long gone are the days of keeping a mental list all year so that I can spout off a list of my desires come December. When asked what I want, my mind always drifts immediately to "What do I need?" and usually I respond from there. Right now, other than money, I really don't need anything.
I'd like a round-trip plane ticket to and hotel stay in San Francisco. Somehow I don't think this one is quite so reasonable. At least, not for and certainly not by Christmas (though I do have that week of vacation coming up in January...). On a random internet travel search, that one's going to go for around $800 if I pick my cheapest options. So, yeah. No.
As far as other luxuries in life, I already have a digital camera, an iPod, a computer that (mostly) still works, a PS2, a GameCube, at least two or three DVD players, a bunch of movies I never have time to watch, and a whole host of other things I'm lucky to have.
I really don't need more. So since I do need a new cell phone, that will be my requested Christmas present from the boy. I'm not going to say no to the cool stuff my friends usually find and give to me, but I'm going to devote more of my energy to finding the perfect things for them instead of the perfect things for me.
Today is Friday. I have the weekend off--I think that, most likely, the fact that I worked last Saturday and had my parents over on Sunday is why I feel like I haven't spent any time with my friends on here lately. That will be resolved this weekend, though I'm pretty sure the 'rents are going to drop by again. They'll come bearing food and/or furniture, however, so it could be worse. Mom actually wants to see Stranger than Fiction, which surprises me, but I'm not going to deny a free movie ticket, especially since I want to see it as well.
Speaking of dreams, I had a rather interesting one this morning before the cat-alarm woke me up. I was with a group of friends and we were touring luxury cars and luxury boats. I suspect this spin-off came from a comment I made as we caught the tail end of last night's Smallville (waiting for Supernatural), regarding Lex Luthor and living on a yacht. Anyway, the boats in my dream were the most fantastic things, bigger than houses on the inside without being so on the outside, and full of beautiful kitchens and living spaces but also containing great gaming areas, mini-movie-theaters, and that sort of thing. It was a cool dream.
I suppose I'm going to wrap this up for now, though it feels like I have so much more to add. I suppose that's what I get for not writing in here for a week and then having so much to cover to get back up to date. I guess it really doesn't matter--not very many people reading here anyway, so this is mostly for my own edification. Sometimes it feels nice just to get it all out there on the page and out of my head and hands.
So, yeah. Feeling a bit lonely, hating that I've been lacking time lately, and missing everyone a bunch. Hopefully I can resolve that this weekend. I know I certainly want to try. And maybe I'll get to write about the books I've read recently, too.
